Disability and God’s Sovereignty
Today is International Day of Persons with Disabilities. I’ve never been one to visit these types of things as I have spent most of my life trying to transcend, hide or even deny my disability. And with that perspective I never felt like I belonged to the group that I literally belong to. What a weird thing that just occurred as I wrote that, appropriating that “dirty” word to myself. I was ashamed of it. Paralympic champion?! NO, I WANT TO BE OLYMPIC CHAMPION. Then I will be good enough. *Throws gold medal in sock drawer* One of the things that drove me to be successful as an athlete was to never allow that word to define my identity or shape what I was capable of; I am not a victim, yet it also came with a curse. The mindset that helped me succeed as an athlete, crushed me as a person.
When I was younger, I was taught or at least caught that to have a disability was inferior. The same people that knew just enough to be dangerous would quote Psalm 139 over my life and then in the same breath lay hands on my leg to heal me, because it was a flaw needing to be healed. It’s not God’s design and misses the mark. My biggest dream as a kid wasn’t to win medals but to wake up one morning with two perfect legs.
To accept myself meant to fail God. To take my leg off in front of others meant to be fully seen. A double-edged sword; a flawed failure. Totally unacceptable.
So, I made war against myself, my disability and everyone that looked like me and lived in constant defense. I’ve always been intrigued by personality traits of those who acquired their disability through a trauma accident versus congenitally and how it can shape who we are. There are always outliers, but a pattern emerges. Always observing, always analyzing these types of social interactions, whether it was sitting in the cafeteria at the Olympic Training Center or on a bus to the track. Several years ago, I came across an expanded version of Psalm 139, but it was too risky for me to even sit with at the time. While I was at the Paralympic Village in Paris this year, I revisited it; meditating on it while looking out into a village full of thousands of individuals who had some type of physical disability. It has and continues to bless me, but I must admit it is still challenging for me, as it threatens the integrity of the scaffolding embracing other rooms; but scaffolding only exists where renovation is necessary.
To you, you who have wrestled with your disability and fought valiantly for self-acceptance, only to be left beaten and bloodied, I hope these words bless you as they do me and you can finally take your leg off too.
For you formed my inward parts with Down syndrome;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb without eyes.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made with cognitive challenges.
Wonderful are your works in creating me without limbs;
my soul knows it very well though my ears will never hear a sound.
My frame was not hidden from you as you made me with Apert syndrome,
when I was being made in secret with autism,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth without Hexosaminidase A.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance with spina bifida;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me with cerebral palsy,
when as yet there was none of them.
Expansion from John Knight https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/is-god-sovereign-over-human-disability
